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Hello Friend,

You’re probably not as much of a “hot head” as I am. 

I have times when my rage-o-meter goes from zero to one-hundred so fast that I don’t know what hit me. Not only do I scare myself in those moments, but I also upset others. I want to do better, but I haven’t known how to change. Recently, though, I’ve been discovering some tools that are helping.

So, if you ever feel like your feelings can yank the steering wheel out of your hands and swerve you around recklessly, let me share a few thoughts.

• Feelings themselves aren’t good or bad

I used to think being angry meant I’d failed, feeling sad meant I wasn’t tough, and jealousy meant I was immature. I’m learning that feelings (as opposed to the actions I take based on those feelings) are just helpful information.

An event happens and then we have reactions to it in the form of thoughts and feelings. The emotions part of the equation gives us information. This is a cheat sheet someone shared.

Happy = Life is good

Sad = I’m experiencing a loss (big or small, real or imagined)

Angry = I want something to be different

Guilt = I should have behaved differently

Shame = I feel that I should be different as a person (A dangerous feeling)

I love that simple definition of anger because seeing it as a signal that I want something to be different prompts me to ask “What do I want to be different?”. And it feels empowering to think about what I do want (rather than just what I don’t like). Then to ask for it or try to create it.

• Name it to tame it

Naming a feeling engages the “advanced” part of our brains which helps us get back into control. I don’t mean we need to control how we feel, but that it helps us respond choicefully to the situation. It sounds simple to name an emotion, but many times I have no idea what I’m feeling. A couple of things are helping.

1. Journaling

To get more in touch I’ve been journaling for the last couple of years. It’s been so helpful that my husband, David, can tell if I’ve been disciplined about it or not. (I get crankier when I haven’t been consistently processing life in a journal.)

1. App

A friend shared a free app called “How We Feel.” It prompts me to check in a couple of times a day and choose from a list of emotions. It also allows me to enter what I’m doing, where I am, and who I’m with. I am not only learning how many different emotions I have in a day, but also starting to see patterns so I can make shifts.

If you’ve developed greater “emotional regulation,” I’d love to hear what has worked well for you! And if you’re still struggling, I hope these tools offer some hope and help!

Warmly,

Lisa